found the other keg... it's in the tree
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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