I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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