I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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