I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
