I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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