you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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