that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
