I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
