i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
