I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
