Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
