i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
