I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
