Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
