Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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