I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
