i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and she was petting her beer can
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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