wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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