im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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