I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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