i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
