so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
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Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
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How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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