my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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