I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
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