i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
