He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
