He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm passing your future prison.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
