well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
