I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
