"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
