So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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