Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
