In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I will be naked everywhere
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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