Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
