He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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