the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
