Your dad touched me again.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize