Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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