remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
