I accidentally burped into my bong.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
