Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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