I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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