just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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