I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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