Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
