So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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