I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
