yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
