I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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