I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
