this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
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Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.