My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
