So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑