I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
