shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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