Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
