I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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