I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
