Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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