I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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